Needle in my hand

I had a needle in my hand. My other hand's knuckles turning white while trying to hold on to some patience. Someone talked next to me but I kept my thoughts focused and to the point. Its close, calm down, we're getting closer.

"Call him," he said louder.

I took my phone out and dialed. It rang twice and went to voice-mail. I told myself to wait a few minutes before I tried again but lasted only thirty seconds. My heart tried punching its way through my chest, I was on the verge of tears. My stomach was in knots craving the chemicals. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. My mind was screaming. I called again. When he answered I tried slowing my voice, telling him we're only five minutes away, so where are you? Same old answer, "Be there in five."

My boyfriend turned, "Where is he? How long did he say?"

"What the fuck do you think? Expecting something different? Just park the fucking car." It was always a fight on the drive up here. We couldn't stand each other sober. I found faults in him everywhere, the way he breathed, the noises he made in the back of his throat. I'd fantasize about him crashing the car on the way and us dying, so maybe then we could love each other in peace without our sickness. But I was weak and he was weak and together we condemned ourselves. As predictable as our love was, we thought it would last through anything. Maybe even through staying clean. But it was naive to think we would stay together without the chain that bound us.

After fifteen minutes the man arrived. He walked up to the window leaned over and winked at me. Asshole. Matt handed him one-hundred and fifty dollars and in the same motion took our score from the man's hand. And then we we're backing out, eager to get out of the city and head home. We never made it all the way home though. We pulled off the highway and down multiple back roads to seclusion.

I took several bags and poured them into a cap. The powder the color of pancake batter looked so harmless. I drew water up into the syringe and emptied it on the pile. The water mixed with powder became a dark Amber gold. It swirled together in a dancing motion, waltzing to my movements. I rolled a tiny piece of cotton up and stuck it on the tip of the needle, stuck it in the mixture, then drew it up into the barrel. My veins were surfacing, like they already knew what was coming. I lined the needle up to my vein and lightly tapped it in. It didn't even hurt, in fact it was enjoyable. I raised the plunger making sure I hit a vein, and when red mixed with gold I pushed the plunger down the barrel of the syringe and let it go.

One... two... Hughhhh

I was hit with a train of euphoria and I was not myself anymore. I was at home. I was in love. I lolled my head to the side and looked at Matt. He was so beautiful, and he was right where I was. I no longer questioned myself, second guessing the person who I had become. I was complacent with the future I was rushing towards even though it meant no family, no health, no future at all. It didn't matter teeth were rotting out of my head and that I dropped seventy pounds. It didn't matter that my family couldn't stand the sight of me and no longer discussed me at family functions. I was okay, and that's all that mattered. It seemed like I had discovered the answers to all the questions I had ever asked - it doesn't matter. My head was swimming in liquid gold and not anything could pull me under. I swore to myself that I would be faithful to my heroin. That I would never be without it. I swore myself over to something that only wants one thing, life, all the life it can eat. But like I said... It just didn't matter.